I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Holy sore nipples Batman
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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