your parents love me but you hate me
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
