I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize