nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
