The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
