The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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