..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
