I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
