I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
