I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
