Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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