youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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