i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
