I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
