My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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