im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
