Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
