we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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