WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
