I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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