Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
