"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
