I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
