If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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