just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i drank out of a bidet.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
