i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
BRING THE BAGELS
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
