I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
