I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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