just tell him i said nine months
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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