I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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