kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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