i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
