My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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