I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
