Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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