what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
