Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
