my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
i believe in u and ur pee
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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