The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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