You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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