On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
