that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
