I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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