I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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