My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
