someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
