Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
