I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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