But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
