my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
this beer tastes like vomit already
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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