My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
