wakey wakey hands off snakey
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
