I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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