I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
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I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
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Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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