I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
