she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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