I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Randomize
